the romance of taking pencil to paper seems to have faded. i wonder if i am the only one who still finds magic in putting the first strokes on a pristine piece of paper, and if finding excitement in new journals and school supplies is a lost art.
still, there must be something to be said for blogging.
in some ways, its remarkable that with the lives people lead in this day and age, there is still time to be found to sit down at a computer. people are making time to give others a small window into their lives.
it’s not easy.
and not just because of a lack of time.
starting to write again is big to me. it means that it is time to leave the comfortable place that i was in, and step out into uncharted territory. opening yourself up to criticism is difficult and painful. you could be praised. but more than likely, you’ll also be mocked. youre giving yourself room to err, and to be held accountable. i suppose this makes you stronger. i also suppose it could tear you apart, rip your confidence to shreds, take you back to the beginning where you had no answers.
when i was young, i cared nothing of criticsm. i wrote with abandon and frequency. it just flowed, i didnt have to force it. and when i was young, what i wrote was always thought well of. when youre young, there is no expectations. when did everyone start asking things of me? when did i start asking so much of myself? when did i start wondering if i was good enough?
whether they know it or not, everyone is striving to be good enough for something.
and in their own way, everyone is trying. some more than others. and some of us will not have to try, and end up doing alright, or even great. some try, and the amount of their effort ends up being equal to their result. some of us try very hard, and fall short. its scary not knowing which category you may land under. its scary thinking that the task may just call for that extra effort, if greatness is to be achieved.
some try just enough to get by. and end up wondering how different their life might have been. sometimes i think it is easier not to try, and then you will always have that excuse. but easy is not happy. and excuses usually leave you with misery.
and then theres competition.
competition is a powerful thing. it can move you forward, or keep you from going anywhere at all. fear is just as powerful. living in someone elses shadow, or setting your standard at the level of someone else, makes new beginnings nearly impossible. taken together, they make you want to stand exactly where you are and just let the world continue to happen around you.
ive come to the conclusion that succeed or fail, its time to stop hiding, and give it my best shot. ive never been good at handling criticism, but i must learn. im overly competitive, and i must control the tendency to compare myself to another, or live in fear of not measuring up. its time to give it my all and see what becomes of it. if i dont try, i’ll never know. if i do try, i might surprise myself. its time to start doing what i love because i love it, and not for any other reason. in the end, what others think of you couldnt matter less. but what you think of yourself? there is a much greater value in that. its time to start living up to my own expectations, and my own image of what my life should be. everything else must be put out of my mind.
if imperfection is what people see when they look at the frame around that window of my life, then that will be alright. if what people see when they look into the window is dirty, or shabby, or not what they imagined, then that will be alright. its time to remove the rose-colored glasses. its time to try. its time to be brave. its time to put the first strokes on this new chapter in my life.
its time to begin.
