It usually goes like this:
Something causes pain. Either slightly anticipated or completely unexpected.
And I recognize who was the cause, and usually that makes it worse. I trusted you?
Then, I think about why.
Then, I realize there is an answer.
And then I replay it over and over in my mind until I can’t think about it anymore. Until it stops hurting. Until some time goes by.
But this time its different.
I am sure that there is no answer. There is a reason, but it is still unexplainable.
And I have tried to replay it. But I can’t, and then I do, and I want to rush to the bathroom and vomit.
And time has gone by.
But the sting never really fades.
There are few people who have hurt me that way. Some of them have decided they hate me. Some of them have developed a sudden case of amnesia and have no memory of what happened. Some of them continue to try and pop into my life whenever they please, over and over.
Sometimes it wasn’t even directed towards me in particular.
Sometimes they don’t even know me. No, actually, always they don’t really truly know me.
I just need to say, congratulations. Whatever you are trying to gain, you could never top what you’ve already done.
And you can rest easy knowing that I have tried to forgive, tried to pretend it never happened, and tried to just get on with things. And I do.
But what has happened has affected me so deeply, that I will always carry it around in the back of my mind.
You changed my life. And not in a The Notebook, PS I Love You, kind of way.
