rant

So, there are a few things about the restaurant business that I need to get off my chest. Over the past 8 months, I’ve met quite a large variety of people – some strange, and some refreshingly sane – that I otherwise likely would not have come into contact with. It’s been a good experience. And I’ve learned to appreciate the worker’s in that industry like never before. And because I’ve now seen eating out from the other side, I am now going to say a few things. This could quite possibly become a rant, but I feel it needs to be said anyway.

1. Tip your servers.

Yes, I understand that we’re in a recession. But if you can afford 4 beers, a 60 dollar bill, and a treat for your dog Poopsie at home, don’t you dare say that you can’t afford to tip. Did you know that, regardless of whether you tip or not, servers pay our a percentage of the cost of your meal in the kitchen’s tip pool? We are required to do this whether you’ve been a saint, given us hell, or have even thrown your chicken fingers at our heads. At least tip enough to cover the “tip out”. Whether you like us or not, I’m sure at least one of the people who was involved in serving you that day doesn’t deserve to be cheated out of a couple of bucks. And if your server has done a good job, prove it! Give them that extra dollar or two over the 15-20%.

2. Tip your servers well.

People make us run around and bend over backwards to please them. Often its a lost cause. Cmon. It used to be said that pennies are insulting, but let me tell you, I would far rather recieve pennies then have to deal with:

a) Inconsiderate regulars who don’t tip, and sit their for hours, because “We come here every day!”

b)People who don’t tip on small bills, when even a cheap amount of food still needs to be taken to the table, you need to be waited on, and overall requires pretty much the same amount of running around.

c) People who are rude, obnoxious, and leave you with nothing, even after you’ve smiled at them and tried to please them anyway.

d) People who sit in a booth for hours / make a huge mess/ and take up your time. . . leaving you only two bucks as a thank you. Or even worse, absolutely nothing. How cheap do you look when the young college student can leave you 10 dollars on a 20 dollar bill, when you with a 50 dollar bill leaves 3?

e) People who give you an 100$ bill for a cup of coffee on a busy day, and as you to scramble for change. Or the people you give you a 20 for a 19.86$ bill and want their less-than-twenty-cents back. My god. Is it really worth the 10 minutes you’ll have to stand there?

f) People who say “Thank you for the service! You were great!”", and then proceed to give you a dollar.

Bottom line: We are students, or aspiring students, or single moms, or people just plain out trying to make a living. We’re making minimum wage to serve you. We rely on tips to make money. Have some respect and appreciation. It’s not easy.

3. Smile.

If your server smiles or asks you how you are, look up from your paper! Don’t immediately rattle on about your burger. They’re taking the time out of their stressful day to make an effort. It’s the least you can do.

4. Control your crazy children.

I love kids, don’t get me wrong. But if your screaming, arm wiggling, hyperactive youngster runs into me while I’m carrying hot coffee, they’ll get burned. And who will get blamed? Certainly not you for lacking in discipline. Yes, your kid is cute. But not when they’re in my way, a safety hazard, or just plain annoying and disruptive.

Also, attempting to force your 5 month old to try to say that she wants a grilled cheese sandwich is just plain retarded. Or if they are 3 and shy. I don’t have time to sit there while you try to give an English language lesson.

There is also an overwhelming appreciation in the heart of the server for polite children, and children who do not constantly whine through dinner.

The worst experience I have yet involving children, was a family who made me stand their and listen to their argument about who wants what, who is sharing with who, who is allowed white bread and who isn’t, blah blah blah. I. Do. Not. Care. Figure out your family feud on your own time.

5. It’s not our fault.

Contrary to popular opinion, servers do not hold a meeting before their shifts and, chuckling with glee, say to each other, “Muahaha.How can we make our customers miserable today?”. We are doing our best! I’m sorry if you had to wait. It’s not on purpose, and we are going as fast as possible. Some of us are so frenzied we are on the verge of a mental breakdown. Especially during a Saturday or Sunday morning brunch, when the entire city is wanting to be fed. It’s not our fault if your eggs are scrambled and not over easy. It’s not our fault if they forgot your carrot garnish (one girl actually made me go back, and make the kitchen stop and put some garnish in a dish, so that she could get her “nutrients”. For gosh sake! Those little shavings probably weren’t even equivalent to 1/2 a baby carrot!). We don’t make the food! Give us a break.

6. On ordering…

If you’re asked, “how do you want your eggs / steak / whatever done?” , do not say “cooked”, and then turn purple laughing at how clever you are. Seriously?! You’re not funny. We don’t have time for that kind of ridiculousness. And that goes for toast to. When asked what kind of toast you would like, the answer is not “toasted”, moron.

7. To the older horndog men.

Stop oogling. Stop flirting. Espeically if you’re with your grandchildren. Seriously?! What do you think I’m going to do?  Say, ” ’scuse me kids, your grandpa and I need some alone time!”. You’re old, bucko. Stop trying to boost your self esteem by making us uncomfortable.

8. In general, do not…

- Seat yourself.

- Come in 5 minutes to closing, when everything is already clean.

- Just drink coffee, and leave a 20 cent tip. If you do this, tip as if its a meal. You’re using a both and our time just the same. If you don’t like it, well I’m sure there’s a Starbucks or Tim Hortons down the road…

- If you aren’t ready to order, do not say that you are, and then make the poor server stand their and listen to you hem and haw.

9. Thank you Thank you Thank you

To all the people who’ve ever taken the time to say thank you, or compliment me, or clean up the table a little bit. Thank you to everyone who has taken the time to smile, or ask how I am. Thank you to all the people who’ve ever said, “Oh no problem, I can see how busy you are!” or ” . . . whenver you have time”. To all the people who have tipped well and are pleasant to talk to. To all the kind people who make going to work worth it.

I’d like to think that most people are ignorant, not just deliberately rude. Everyone is just trying to make their way. Try not to make it anymore difficult than it needs to be. Karma’s a bitch. And also, I’d really just like to keep on believing that people are better than that.