all the lonely people

I have come to the conclusion that loneliness is one of the world’s biggest afflictions, one of its biggest motivators, and its most common curse.

People do the craziest things to feel like they’re a part of something. It may sound dramatic – but I would argue that it is the truth – to say that people have been known to risk their lives for some company, rather then to go it alone. And sometimes, it’s not that one grand act but the little everyday acts that show how alone you really are. Routines, such as sticking with a group that care nothing for each other, but would rather stand together, look unified, and feel some odd version of support rather then to go on their own path.

And so often, the lonely people don’t even know they’re lonely.

It doesn’t hit you until one day, that group gets tired of each other, the relationship falls to pieces, or everyone has just moved on. And then you sit there thinking that maybe you should call someone, but there’s no one to call. And then you think that you should get out of the house, which results in you realizing that there is no where to go. And then it occurs to you that you’ve ostracized everyone around you, and how that maybe that wasn’t such a good idea. It’s then that you sadly accept that for some of those old friendships its too late, its your fault, and that you’re just going to have to fight every day on your own.

I’m sitting here thinking that if I just turn the dial on music up a few notches, maybe I won’t notice the silence setting in. It’s going to be a long road back.

looking back

I remember when I was five.

Well, actually, I don’t know if that’s a fair statement. My mind holds some glimpses of the past, and I do have some scattered actual memories. When I really think about it, I can’t be sure anymore of what really happened, and what are merely the things that I remember happening. I suppose I could have dreamt most of it, all of it having become so foggy and blurred together that its hard to distinguish now.

I can honestly say though, that I remember the feeling of five. I remember a time when I could experience pure joy from the simplest things. I remember innocence, and having no knowledge of the world or what was in it, but still having complete confidence that I knew it all.  I remember when my tiny problems seemed so large, and I would stubbornly and fiercely struggle to conquer them. At the time, I couldn’t imagine anything more difficult or more painful

When did it all change.

It’s different now. When I was young, I could not even begin to fathom that my life would be the way it is at this moment. All of this was unimaginable. It a neutral sort of way, not necessarily in being good or bad. But in the sort of way that could not even occur to the mind of a five year old. The sort of way that they could not wrap their mind around. Unimaginable.

You grow as life grows. Slowly and painfully learning from your experiences, and gaining the tools you need to take it all on. But even though I have grown, I don’t think I can say that it gets easier. However, I know when I am twice the age I am now, I will look back yet again. I will think how good it was then, and how hard it is now.

All my current problems will have been resolved some way or another. And my situation then will be a product and end result of those solutions.

Everyone is incredibly caught up in their so-called life-changing decisions. Wouldn’t it be ironic if one day, it turns out that those decisions didn’t matter? And that it was something as silly as missing the bus, stumbling over a crack in the sidewalk, or smiling at a stranger that changed the course of everything.

It will not even begin to dawn on us until the moment has passed us by. Later, we may look back and see the fine print. We may be able to see it all, and want to relive some of the better times. But perhaps we will wish we could rewrite, start over, rewind, erase. And it will be only then that it hits us that there is no going back.

I am certain that life will continue to alter around me at what seems now like a slow rate, but at the end will prove to have been a breakneck pace. Just as when I was five, I can’t even imagine.

But as for now, life feels to me that it is impossible for it to become more heartwrenching, more complicated, and any more full of mistakes. I feel that it could not possibly hold any more of these things for me, lest it burst at the seams.